I woke up this morning from a dream that my marriage had ended. I woke up feeling that this has already happened. Parts of the dream were unreal - meaning I don't really think that Mike is having an open affair with my old friend Kim Reinagel from Corpus Christi. So, what does it mean? Does it mean that he has struck up a relationship with someone else? I don't know. I'm not really sure that I even care. He's looking for the same thing I am. Happiness. We can't seem to find it with each other.

I'm still fantasizing about death, particularly committing suicide. Thinking it all out, wishing I had a handgun, etc. I even looked up overdosing on amphetamines this morning, just wondering if it would lead to death. It didn't say anything about death, so I discarded it. I found myself saying that I didn't want to have restlessness, tremors or hallucinations, so forget that route. Funny, isn't it? How you want out so badly, but can't seem to agree on a plan how to leave.

It's another day of emptiness. I thought again how could I possibly live on 1279.80 per month. I would end up living in a box.